7.12.17 2

My Body is a Block of Cheese

I remember reading an article in YM Magazine when I was probably too young to be reading YM Magazine because it had poetry in is that said words like “pissed” and talked sex stuff and I wasn’t even a teenager yet, but whatever. Crammed in between a quiz about whether you were a tease (I probably was, but I was like, eleven, sooo) and a op-ed about being ghosted before ghosting had a name (other than just being dumped) was some an article about dressing for your body shape.

At the time, I was a competitive gymnast, so my shape then was beanpole meets garden gnome. What I learned, though, was that some people had actual curves. Some people are apple shaped. Some are pear-shaped. Others have an hourglass figure (bitches).

Me now, though? Me as a grownup who finally hit puberty?

I’m shaped like a rectangle. An actual block of cheese.

I’m generally a small-ish person. If you see me from afar, I’m not too tall and not too wide. My frame isn’t big, it’s the proportions that seem off. No matter how heavy I get, my legs always stay the same. Which is handy — my legs are my favorite part of my body. It’s the piece of me that’s stayed relatively constant after nearly two decades of gymnastics and twenty-five hour a week workouts. Bless them.

Before you cry me a river, let me tell you about the downside to that. I’m also Native American, which means I’m genetically predisposed to carry weight in my midsection. Combine those two and I tend to have a figure resembling that of Spongebob Squarepants.

Le sigh.

I always thought the reason that 95% of the rompers and playsuits I try don’t work is because I’m awkwardly long-waisted, and though I’m sure that plays its own part since it looks like I’m being cut in half from my ladybits up, I think my cheese-block body is also to blame. When you don’t really have a waist, rompers just work to exacerbate your cheese-blockiness. 

I explain all of that to say this: I’ve worked out for nine straight days, which is, if you’ll recall, kicking the ass of my previous record. I haven’t lost any weight, per se, but I have managed to tighten myself up, and though I can’t see it yet, I know it’s happening. My body is reacting better to workouts and I don’t feel like I’m having a stroke when I’m doing push-ups, so I’m calling that a baby victory. I’m hoping that sometime during this workout phase, I can manage to whittle myself a waist. You’ll know it’s happened when I post an Instagram pic of me in a romper. 

Until then, I remain faithfully, Spongebob Squarepants, attorney at law who doesn’t do one-pieces.

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  1. Vulnavia wrote:

    I totally understand this. I have long legs & a short torso (most of my weight gain is in my belly). The only time I ever tried on a romper, it was a mess. never again!!! I will rather wear a crop top or one piece cut-out swimsuit before I try to wear a romper again.

    Published 7.12.17
  2. Lauren wrote:

    I can so relate to this post as a) i had a YM subscription in 5th grade (???) and b) i am shaped the same way. i need a defined waist in a piece of clothing because my body will not provide one. all of the women in my mom’s family are shaped that way, so i’m not hopeful that working out will help me TOO much, but i guess i could try and find out?

    Published 7.14.17