I remember reading an article in YM Magazine when I was probably too young to be reading YM Magazine because it had poetry in is that said words like “pissed” and talked sex stuff and I wasn’t even a teenager yet, but whatever. Crammed in between a quiz about whether you were a tease (I probably was, but I was like, eleven, sooo) and a op-ed about being ghosted before ghosting had a name (other than just being dumped) was some an article about dressing for your body shape.
At the time, I was a competitive gymnast, so my shape then was beanpole meets garden gnome. What I learned, though, was that some people had actual curves. Some people are apple shaped. Some are pear-shaped. Others have an hourglass figure (bitches).
Me now, though? Me as a grownup who finally hit puberty?
I’m shaped like a rectangle. An actual block of cheese.
I’m generally a small-ish person. If you see me from afar, I’m not too tall and not too wide. My frame isn’t big, it’s the proportions that seem off. No matter how heavy I get, my legs always stay the same. Which is handy — my legs are my favorite part of my body. It’s the piece of me that’s stayed relatively constant after nearly two decades of gymnastics and twenty-five hour a week workouts. Bless them.
Before you cry me a river, let me tell you about the downside to that. I’m also Native American, which means I’m genetically predisposed to carry weight in my midsection. Combine those two and I tend to have a figure resembling that of Spongebob Squarepants.
I always thought the reason that 95% of the rompers and playsuits I try don’t work is because I’m awkwardly long-waisted, and though I’m sure that plays its own part since it looks like I’m being cut in half from my ladybits up, I think my cheese-block body is also to blame. When you don’t really have a waist, rompers just work to exacerbate your cheese-blockiness.
I explain all of that to say this: I’ve worked out for nine straight days, which is, if you’ll recall, kicking the ass of my previous record. I haven’t lost any weight, per se, but I have managed to tighten myself up, and though I can’t see it yet, I know it’s happening. My body is reacting better to workouts and I don’t feel like I’m having a stroke when I’m doing push-ups, so I’m calling that a baby victory. I’m hoping that sometime during this workout phase, I can manage to whittle myself a waist. You’ll know it’s happened when I post an Instagram pic of me in a romper.
Until then, I remain faithfully, Spongebob Squarepants, attorney at law who doesn’t do one-pieces.